Sunday, August 16, 2009

A Letter I Never Sent

This is a letter I never sent to a girl that I am no longer friends with. [as copied from a piece of paper]

you make me so angry. how can the same person who excites me so much also be the source of such heartache? You must know how because you seem to do it on purpose. I don't understand (and wish you could explain it to me) why you don't ever want to get married again. And why, with a man that can make you happy for the rest of your life, you hesitate and pretend to be so cautious. Explain to me why you gave a jerk over six chances to date you but you won't give me one? A guy that experiences true joy in making you happy. Is it true that girls like bad boys? Is that why you gave this guy a chance? Well, tell me- how'd that work out for you? Is he as bad as you hoped he'd be, or were you delighted to find out that he was even worse than you hoped? Maybe I should just start treating girls badly and then finally I'll find one weak girl to marry. That would be a fun life. I don't know that I can be friends with you. It will take me some time, I suppose, to decide if being friends is a good idea, or even possible. One thing I'm sure of is that even if we can be friends, I will not treat you the way I have in the past. When I spent time with you, I was giving you... me. But I'm not going to give someone my best, the best of me and not expect something in return. I'd be a fool to give so much for no reason. I liked you and wanted so much for you to like me back, but for you to consistently say no I've got to take that as an answer. You told me to date other girls if they opportunity arose, but I don't want to date other girls. I don't want to date at all! After we talked on Saturday I was so mad. And jealous, and frustrated, and hopeless. My weekend ended pretty terribly and I was wishing I could go into work on the holiday we had off. Anything I could do to keep me from thinking about what you said and how Saturday ended, I would've done it. I hate that we truly are on different pages. And I've told you more than once that I can be patient for you. And it's not even that I can be as a future promise, I feel like I've already been patient. When I sensed that you needed space, I gave you space. When I thought you needed to laugh, I told you something funny. When you needed to vent, I listened. But those are exactly the things I can't do for you anymore. Because as I see it- you, if you want some of me, you get all of me. There is no halfway. So if you don't want all of me, you can't have any. With my friends, I can give some of me, but none of them have all of me. I reserve that for someone special, for someone who will be with me a week from now, a month from now, a month and a half from now, and 50 years from now. It's not fair to me to give all of me to everyone and I won't do it. I reserve the best of me for one. So I suppose the choice is yours now. I'm not holding my breath because no matter what you choose, I expect to have a great life and I hope you will, too. I just have a strong feeling our lives would be better with each other in it. But what you settle for is what I will accept. I'm not trying to put pressure on you- there is no pressure! I mean, you've already given me extreme high's and low's so what you do next won't be anything new. Although I'm sure it'll be memorable. Hope you're week is going awesome....


Tuesday, August 4, 2009

I Saw Her Standing There: Part 2

(a continuation from part one)

You should know, I've thought about this day for a while now. But not the way that most people look forward to a wedding day. Or the way she has been thinking of it. Yes, it's a memorable day and a once in a lifetime event. It will be exciting and full of happiness, but all I can think of is standing in front of so many people. My college public speaking class did little to calm my fear of being on stage, with other humans staring at me. That's what concerns me most about this day. What if I trip? Why are they all staring at us? Am I sweating? Do I smell? Is there something on my face?

At least the masses of people are looking at the bridesmaids as they walk down the aisle. This provides me with some relief. I attempt to loosen my collar with no real success. Who tied this tie so tight? Can someone turn the A/C down a few degrees, please? Do I have the right shoes on? Is my zipper down? And why is one my groomsmen wearing a navy blue Ann Klein dress suit?

These are all valid questions, and I hope to have the answers to most of them at some point. Meanwhile, I acknowledge to myself that it is a nice dress suit noting that the shoulder pads definitely add a sense of power and authority. But why navy blue? Black would have complimented the shoulder pads better.

And then I see her standing there.

As sudden as lightning strikes, all the counter-attacks I had planned for my nerves are useless because it's her. All I feel is love. All I hear is music. And all I know is this is right and good. The tuxedo I once feared would make me a sweaty mess is now the only hope I have for holding together, it not letting me explode in joy and happiness (which I hope it does because I cannot afford to pay the penalty fee for this suit!). Can she see how excited I am that she's about to be my wife? I wonder if she knows that I have no idea what I'm doing? (I'm sure her father suspects this). I've never been a husband before. But there's one thing I do know, that I love her, gosh, I love her. I'm so glad she isn't a runaway bride. If I can just get her hand in mine, I'll be able to keep her from running, but her dad is taking forever to get her down the aisle. I understand you're emotional, sir, but let's get a move on. Grandma in the front row is getting anxious about the early bird buffet special at Golden Corral.

The bagpipe player concludes as this bride and her father reach the front of the aisle. And in a moment of silence, we hear 3 bells ring. Once for the past: our lives before we knew each other, honoring how God was preparing us all along. The second bell rings for the present: the time we've spent with each other up to this point. Finding out that God indeed does have good things in store for us even right now. The third bell is for the future: the celebration of a new life together, one that we will now face as a team. The ups and downs, the twists and turns, all of it together.

The minister asks for a response from the bride's father, who then lifts her veil, gives her a kiss on the cheek and puts her hand in mine. And here begins the marriage that no power will ever separate. With a connection that I've never known before, we hold hands and I'm reminded of the first time I saw her, only a few years earlier...

come back September 1 for part 3!