Sunday, August 16, 2009

A Letter I Never Sent

This is a letter I never sent to a girl that I am no longer friends with. [as copied from a piece of paper]

you make me so angry. how can the same person who excites me so much also be the source of such heartache? You must know how because you seem to do it on purpose. I don't understand (and wish you could explain it to me) why you don't ever want to get married again. And why, with a man that can make you happy for the rest of your life, you hesitate and pretend to be so cautious. Explain to me why you gave a jerk over six chances to date you but you won't give me one? A guy that experiences true joy in making you happy. Is it true that girls like bad boys? Is that why you gave this guy a chance? Well, tell me- how'd that work out for you? Is he as bad as you hoped he'd be, or were you delighted to find out that he was even worse than you hoped? Maybe I should just start treating girls badly and then finally I'll find one weak girl to marry. That would be a fun life. I don't know that I can be friends with you. It will take me some time, I suppose, to decide if being friends is a good idea, or even possible. One thing I'm sure of is that even if we can be friends, I will not treat you the way I have in the past. When I spent time with you, I was giving you... me. But I'm not going to give someone my best, the best of me and not expect something in return. I'd be a fool to give so much for no reason. I liked you and wanted so much for you to like me back, but for you to consistently say no I've got to take that as an answer. You told me to date other girls if they opportunity arose, but I don't want to date other girls. I don't want to date at all! After we talked on Saturday I was so mad. And jealous, and frustrated, and hopeless. My weekend ended pretty terribly and I was wishing I could go into work on the holiday we had off. Anything I could do to keep me from thinking about what you said and how Saturday ended, I would've done it. I hate that we truly are on different pages. And I've told you more than once that I can be patient for you. And it's not even that I can be as a future promise, I feel like I've already been patient. When I sensed that you needed space, I gave you space. When I thought you needed to laugh, I told you something funny. When you needed to vent, I listened. But those are exactly the things I can't do for you anymore. Because as I see it- you, if you want some of me, you get all of me. There is no halfway. So if you don't want all of me, you can't have any. With my friends, I can give some of me, but none of them have all of me. I reserve that for someone special, for someone who will be with me a week from now, a month from now, a month and a half from now, and 50 years from now. It's not fair to me to give all of me to everyone and I won't do it. I reserve the best of me for one. So I suppose the choice is yours now. I'm not holding my breath because no matter what you choose, I expect to have a great life and I hope you will, too. I just have a strong feeling our lives would be better with each other in it. But what you settle for is what I will accept. I'm not trying to put pressure on you- there is no pressure! I mean, you've already given me extreme high's and low's so what you do next won't be anything new. Although I'm sure it'll be memorable. Hope you're week is going awesome....



  1. I'm glad it didn't work out for you and her. You don't need to be with someone if they're not in it 100%. Don't put up with someone that doesn't love you like you love them. don't be with someone that might like you one day but not the next. You deserve better.

  2. Women....BAAAH, Humbug...

  3. Wow... I admire you authenticity and transparency. So, you never gave her the letter? Yeah, I wrote him 1 letter each week after we broke up and never gave him any of them. I was so tempted to though.. but felt enough had been said already.. and, I didn't want him to know how much he had hurt me. I finally stopped after about 2 months. Then, I told my friend that if God had a mailbox, I'd mail HIM all my letters and say, "Here! Here's my broken heart! Here's all I want to say to him that I can't say... please heal me and make everything right again". I still have to surrender it daily...

  4. i've written a letter like this... a few times actually... and never sent any of them. it made me feel better just to have the thoughts out of my head and on paper (or computer screen). i never sent them b/c i realized they wouldn't do any good for the situations. they wouldn't change anything... they wouldn't make the guy like me anymore than before. they would probably only make everything that much worse. so now i only pray that i remember what i felt for these men... and remember what it was like to want the wrong one so badly... and know that it will so much more when the right one comes along.