Myself Already Knows I'm Not O.K.

"...tell your Aunt Louise, tell anything you please.

Myself already knows I'm not O.K."

--Bill Ray Cyrus, lyric from 'Achy Breaky Heart'

I have a habit of collecting quotes, wise statements, various song lyrics that move me, make me laugh, or that I've made up. One line that's caught my attention recently was this line from "Achy Breaky Heart." Say what you want about the song, the truth is it was a gigantic hit that's probably still covering the cost of cable and internet in the Cyrus household. And fountains, and flat screens, and gasoline and breakfasts and lunches and dinners and their NES electricity bill. I don't want to converse on whether the song was a hit (admit that you have it on a CasSingle and let's move on). This lyric is so simple and yet reaches pretty deep into the human experience. Think of the struggles we have as people, as a whole, and individually. As Reese Witherspoon once said, "we each have our own set of problems." Whether you're rich or poor or somewhere in between, you have problems. A rich person's problems are different than a middle class person's problems, but what they both have in common is this: problems. And part of the solution (and the CAUSE) is found in discovering who you are. How long do you think it took for Billy Ray Cyrus to learn he was "not O.K"? And then how much longer till he was able to come to grips with that discovery? When a person stops blaming external factors for their problems, but accepts that they themselves are "not O.K." and the problems are most likely born internally, well that's a step in a good direction.

A direction that may lead to freedom, a happy life, and a hit country song.

I Saw Her Standing There: Part 4

As I slid the folded paper back into my pocket, the pastor asked for her vows. Her sister, standing closely behind her, reached out with the handwritten vows, passed them to her, and she read:
I can't remember the first time I saw you. Some people have a clear memory of the first time they met the one they love, but not me. I'd like to think it's because in some way, somehow, you were with me all along. In second grade when my mom dressed me up like a bride. Junior high, when boys were scared to ask me to dance, did they know I was destined for a better guy than they were going to be, so they gave up right there on the spot? The moments I had in high school with my dad consistently proving to me what a man is, and who a man is. Teaching me to be patient. All of it was for you and without my dad's wisdom, I may not have recognized you. But I know you. You are a good man. I can see where God is shaping you not to be just any husband, but my husband. And that's why I am so confident in our relationship. God is and will be our foundation, our rock, our shelter, and our source of strength no matter what good things, bad things, sad things, great things, memorable or forgettable things we encounter from here on. And second to the Lord, I will count on you to be my strength. To be my shield. You've proven to me your love, and don't need to prove it anymore because I'll see your love every day in the way you live. When you love my family, you love me. When you love children, you love me. And if you love to laugh, you love me. If you love compassion and humility, you love me. But if you don't love Jesus, you don't love me. However, I know the proof of our love is this day. These rings. The ceremony and the vows we're taking in front of God. In front of my family, yours, and our friends, I give you my undying faith, my love, and my life. You have the best of me and as if it ever needs to be said, I am yours. From the moment I walked in here, no, from the moment I was born, I was made for you. I just wish you would've found me sooner, because then I could have loved you longer! But for the rest of our life together, I look forward to loving you well.

I Saw Her Standing There: Part 3

I didn't know when I first saw you all that would come of our relationship. I didn't know how any girl after you just plain missed the mark, unable to achieve the height of the bar you set. I didn't know the road I'd take and that this road... it didn't include you yet. You were my friend. And that was all. Meanwhile we both tried to make other relationships work that ended without success. And our friendship grew. Our roads slowly came closer. As if we were driving in a heavily wooded forest, only noticing the trees around us and not getting glimpses of each other through the blurring forest. Had I known how this story would go, I may have done things differently. I may have thought a little more about where the road was going. And thought less about the trees I saw because they were actually hiding the whole picture. God made us for each other. That's the masterpiece. And once we both saw that what God had designed was good and was here, well there was no turning back. And now as I stand in front of you, I want to be everything you need me to be as a husband. When you need to cry, I'll get the tissues. When you need to laugh, I'll try to be funny. When you just need a shoulder to rest on, I'll wear multiple layers. When you want to be crazy, I'll scream in public with you. If you need to wrestle, I'll be Hacksaw Jim Duggan. If you need the truth, I'll open up the Bible. If you want to sing, I'll be your audience. If you want to walk around, I'll put on my shoes, too. If you're hungry, I'll cook dinn-- I'll go pick up some Mexican food. If you want to talk, I'll listen. If you want to listen, I'll talk. If you want a challenge, I'll race you. If you feel unpretty, I'll read poems I wrote about you. If you feel unloved, I'll hug you and tell you I love you. If you need your space, I'll be gone. If you need to have fun, I'll take you to the beach. I'll do my best to be what you need and what you want. The problem is, I will fail. As hard as I'll ever try to be perfect for you, I cannot be. I will make you mad. I will annoy you. I'll do things you don't expect. I'll get frustrated and have a hard time explaining why. I will never love you as much or as good as God does. But even in my failed attempts, there are two things you can count on: one, that Jesus is our life and two, I love you like the ocean. I am not perfect, but our marriage will be with the Lord's help and blessing. I am your husband. I know you love me and I love you so much. There is nothing in your past that scares me, nothing that makes me doubt your love for me. And because of that, I trust you with the rest of my life and you can trust me with the rest of yours. You are safe with me, and when you feel like you're up against the world, know that they'll have to go through me to get to you. I promise to love you when it's easy. To love you when it's hard. To love you when you expect it, and when you least expect it. I am your husband. You are free to let your guard down and be yourself. You've proven to me that God is most important to you, and I hope I've proven the same. And with my commitment to God, I also commit myself to you. It will never be me versus you, but from now on it's us versus them. And I can't imagine ever being happier about that than I am right now. Can't wait to take on the world with you, to live the rest of my life with you, my best friend. I love you.

And this is what I read aloud when the pastor asked for my vows.

A Letter I Never Sent

This is a letter I never sent to a girl that I am no longer friends with. [as copied from a piece of paper]

you make me so angry. how can the same person who excites me so much also be the source of such heartache? You must know how because you seem to do it on purpose. I don't understand (and wish you could explain it to me) why you don't ever want to get married again. And why, with a man that can make you happy for the rest of your life, you hesitate and pretend to be so cautious. Explain to me why you gave a jerk over six chances to date you but you won't give me one? A guy that experiences true joy in making you happy. Is it true that girls like bad boys? Is that why you gave this guy a chance? Well, tell me- how'd that work out for you? Is he as bad as you hoped he'd be, or were you delighted to find out that he was even worse than you hoped? Maybe I should just start treating girls badly and then finally I'll find one weak girl to marry. That would be a fun life. I don't know that I can be friends with you. It will take me some time, I suppose, to decide if being friends is a good idea, or even possible. One thing I'm sure of is that even if we can be friends, I will not treat you the way I have in the past. When I spent time with you, I was giving you... me. But I'm not going to give someone my best, the best of me and not expect something in return. I'd be a fool to give so much for no reason. I liked you and wanted so much for you to like me back, but for you to consistently say no I've got to take that as an answer. You told me to date other girls if they opportunity arose, but I don't want to date other girls. I don't want to date at all! After we talked on Saturday I was so mad. And jealous, and frustrated, and hopeless. My weekend ended pretty terribly and I was wishing I could go into work on the holiday we had off. Anything I could do to keep me from thinking about what you said and how Saturday ended, I would've done it. I hate that we truly are on different pages. And I've told you more than once that I can be patient for you. And it's not even that I can be as a future promise, I feel like I've already been patient. When I sensed that you needed space, I gave you space. When I thought you needed to laugh, I told you something funny. When you needed to vent, I listened. But those are exactly the things I can't do for you anymore. Because as I see it- you, if you want some of me, you get all of me. There is no halfway. So if you don't want all of me, you can't have any. With my friends, I can give some of me, but none of them have all of me. I reserve that for someone special, for someone who will be with me a week from now, a month from now, a month and a half from now, and 50 years from now. It's not fair to me to give all of me to everyone and I won't do it. I reserve the best of me for one. So I suppose the choice is yours now. I'm not holding my breath because no matter what you choose, I expect to have a great life and I hope you will, too. I just have a strong feeling our lives would be better with each other in it. But what you settle for is what I will accept. I'm not trying to put pressure on you- there is no pressure! I mean, you've already given me extreme high's and low's so what you do next won't be anything new. Although I'm sure it'll be memorable. Hope you're week is going awesome....

Ben

I Saw Her Standing There: Part 2

(a continuation from part one)

You should know, I've thought about this day for a while now. But not the way that most people look forward to a wedding day. Or the way she has been thinking of it. Yes, it's a memorable day and a once in a lifetime event. It will be exciting and full of happiness, but all I can think of is standing in front of so many people. My college public speaking class did little to calm my fear of being on stage, with other humans staring at me. That's what concerns me most about this day. What if I trip? Why are they all staring at us? Am I sweating? Do I smell? Is there something on my face?

At least the masses of people are looking at the bridesmaids as they walk down the aisle. This provides me with some relief. I attempt to loosen my collar with no real success. Who tied this tie so tight? Can someone turn the A/C down a few degrees, please? Do I have the right shoes on? Is my zipper down? And why is one my groomsmen wearing a navy blue Ann Klein dress suit?

These are all valid questions, and I hope to have the answers to most of them at some point. Meanwhile, I acknowledge to myself that it is a nice dress suit noting that the shoulder pads definitely add a sense of power and authority. But why navy blue? Black would have complimented the shoulder pads better.

And then I see her standing there.

As sudden as lightning strikes, all the counter-attacks I had planned for my nerves are useless because it's her. All I feel is love. All I hear is music. And all I know is this is right and good. The tuxedo I once feared would make me a sweaty mess is now the only hope I have for holding together, it not letting me explode in joy and happiness (which I hope it does because I cannot afford to pay the penalty fee for this suit!). Can she see how excited I am that she's about to be my wife? I wonder if she knows that I have no idea what I'm doing? (I'm sure her father suspects this). I've never been a husband before. But there's one thing I do know, that I love her, gosh, I love her. I'm so glad she isn't a runaway bride. If I can just get her hand in mine, I'll be able to keep her from running, but her dad is taking forever to get her down the aisle. I understand you're emotional, sir, but let's get a move on. Grandma in the front row is getting anxious about the early bird buffet special at Golden Corral.

The bagpipe player concludes as this bride and her father reach the front of the aisle. And in a moment of silence, we hear 3 bells ring. Once for the past: our lives before we knew each other, honoring how God was preparing us all along. The second bell rings for the present: the time we've spent with each other up to this point. Finding out that God indeed does have good things in store for us even right now. The third bell is for the future: the celebration of a new life together, one that we will now face as a team. The ups and downs, the twists and turns, all of it together.

The minister asks for a response from the bride's father, who then lifts her veil, gives her a kiss on the cheek and puts her hand in mine. And here begins the marriage that no power will ever separate. With a connection that I've never known before, we hold hands and I'm reminded of the first time I saw her, only a few years earlier...

come back September 1 for part 3!

I Saw Her Standing There

Silence. The pause between background music that in a few long seconds will become the soundtrack to a scene I never forget. The doors at the far end of the center aisle open. In that moment, I realize the doors were not only letting someone in, but also letting out my past, my mistakes, my misguided want, my aimless wandering. Because the room I'm standing in cannot hold both hope and despair, happiness and dread. There's not enough space for blame and guilt and when those doors open, all that's in my history of missing the mark exits. In the doorway stands the proof that God loves me. She stands next to her father (who puffs out his chest, not too much, but just enough for people to notice, because he's so proud of his daughter). He suspects that she found a man that might possibly love her more than he does, that will make her laugh, and that will serve her well. He knows very soon the time will come to give her away, that's why her life has been flashing before his eyes all morning.

The music begins to play. A bagpipe?? Yes, a bagpipe! (It was the groom's only wedding request, so everyone just goes along with it). Her mom stands up and turns to see her walk towards me. The crowd rises in wedding tradition and elevates the emotion and worth of the moment. I glance over my shoulder to see my brother. He sees in my eyes that this moment, this is a big moment. The only other time I remember a glance like this from him was about 10 years ago after we won an intramural softball game...

You see, earlier that same day I wrestled with how I could contribute to the softball team. We were in the playoffs and I wanted so badly to help us win. And by helping us win, I mean play in the game and do well. But up to that point I was pretty much just a reserve player. Only playing in games that were already won or lost by the time I got in. So I prayed for humility and decided that if all I could do was cheer on our team, I'd cheer the loudest and longest. However, late in this particular playoff game, with the score still dangerously close, the captain put me in at center field. Soon after the inning started, I caught a fly ball for the third out of the inning. In the bottom of that same inning, I was up to bat. I hit a single and that single allowed the winning run to cross home plate. We won the game! While we were still celebrating the victory, I looked at my brother, the star short stop. He was smiling and he was shaking his head, such a proud look as if to say, "you see what God can do!?" That was the glance.

And now here he is, my best man looking at me and smiling with his proud look, saying the same thing, "you see what God can do!? You are hitting a homerun this time!" I would not trade that look in this moment for anything else. Nor would I trade what I see next. This unbelievable creation walking down the aisle, with her sparkling white dress, her cute smile. In this moment, I know that I will never want anyone the way I want her.

End of part 1. Come back August 1st for more!

Life As A House, Role Models, Evan Almighty, Up!, The Wrestler

59. Life As a House
Is it 4pm? Did I just get home from school? Did I just turn on PBS? Is this an after school special? Or an after school punishment! "Life As a House" is one of the worst movies I've seen in a long time. In any movie, most character arc's take a long time to happen, nothing happens overnight. In the beginning of the movie the character will be a tough angry person, and near the end we'll see that they've changed their ways. But the son in this movie changes faster than a politician seeking office. To me, it was more like a soap opera than a movie, with all the sleeping around, the forced one liners, and the unreal circumstances. There were some good parts to the movie, but the best part of the movie was seeing how bad it would get. I will admit, it was memorable, that is for sure.

60. Role Models
When asking advice about whether to see this or not, believe that there is quite a bit of crude language and behavior. It was not worth watching and I hope I forget some of the language and images that I saw. With that said, it did end up having a pretty good message, and if I were rating the movie based on the 2nd half, I'd say it was really good, with only minor language issues. The character was played by Jane Lynch, who I thought was hilarious in this movie. My least favorite character was Bobb'e J. Thompson, who played a troubled child. He cursed and said some crude things about women and I simply can't stand when a child actor is asked to do stuff like that. Big turnoff for me and that will be what I remember in this movie. Similar to the kids in the bouncy thing in the movie "Four Christmases"... kids doing things that adults shouldn't even be doing. While I found parts of this movie distasteful, it was still better than Life As a House, no question.


61. Evan Almighty
I was not as impressed with this movie as I was with it's predecessor "Bruce Almighty". In Bruce Almighty, the team of characters made the movie work so well, with each playing their role well, and Evan Baxter (Steve Carell) playing a support role to Jim Carrey's "Bruce". I wonder if the missing element in this film was Jim Carrey? Had he been in it, would have I liked it more? Overall, I laughed sometimes, not when they wanted me to, but I did laugh some. Knowing that Wanda Sykes was in this movie, my hopes were high, but most of her lines were so obviously written to be the "joke" of the scene, it was predictable. And I rarely laughed at whatever she said. My absolute favorite part is the portrayal of God in this movie. And actually I liked his character more in this movie than I did in "Bruce Almighty". He smiles. He laughs. He is love and compassion. He's not a cruel punisher. I think so many people in America see God as a being that rules from high above, he punishes, disciplines, and hates. While most of that is completely wrong (he does discipline and punish, I think), this movie shows characteristics of God that are refreshing and attractive. Kudos to that! This is a good family film, oh, and the way they integrated live animals into the film, remarkable! If you see it just for that, it's worth it, but I'd see it again just to see how loving and genuine the character of God is.

62. Up!
If you havent seen the movie, don't read this. Quite possibly my favorite movie this year. Someone wrote a comment on their facebook page about how remarkable it was to show such a heart wrenching love story without even using words, and I admit, they are right. Right from the get-go, I was hooked. This movie has every element that a good movie needs, drama, action, humor, love, and a proper ending. My favorite character, as I bet is true with most of you, is the bird Kevin. Loved that even when the young boy discovered the bird was a girl, he kept calling him by the name he gave the bird, Kevin. Hilarious. Really good movie, great for children, adults, senior adults. Go see it! Soon I'm going back to watch it in 3D.

63. The Wrestler
Hailed as the comeback movie for Mickey Rourke, I knew this movie would make my list eventually. And thanks to Redbox, it finally happened. I saw a few previews and trailers for this movie so I suspected I knew what it was about (and because of the title, duh) but there really wasnt much wrestling in the movie. It was more about what happened in between the characters rise to the top, and hitting the bottom of the barrel, then the return to wrestling. My first reaction once the movie ended was that I didnt like it. With so much cursing, the characters constant return to the strip club and all that entails, the drug use... not a very healthy lifestyle for him and hardly a positive influence for mine eyes. However, after discussing the movie with my friend Brad one night, I have changed my mind. Not about the cursing and drugs and nudity. I still wish there was a way to do this movie without all of that. But I love the message this movie sends: do what you love, love what you do. You see, after Mickey gets injured he takes a break from wrestling. He makes an attempt at normal life by working in a grocery store. Here is a superstar of wrestling slicing my deli meat for me. He is a personable fellow, so that makes my stop for hickory smoked turkey rather pleasant, but the guy behind the counter just doesnt fit there. Eventually Mickey realizes this and he quits in the most memorable of ways. I loved the way he went out of that store, busting bottles and burning bridges! And you know what, burning that bridge didnt matter, because he returned to what he loved, wrestling. And the final scene of him soaring off the top ropes summed up how much his character grew. I suppose he will remain a wrestler until his body just won't allow him anymore. During my talk with Brad, I wondered if they could have censored the circumstances and the trials of this man and achieved the same goal of this character and what they wanted me as a viewer to learn about him. Afterall, the content was my biggest objection, but I dont think it would have been as genuine if they censored those elements of the man's life. So consider me a fan of this movie, but don't expect me to recommend it to anyone that I care for. I can't willingly subject anyone to the unhealthy lifestyle of the character, and the potential negative influence watching this movie can have on someone.