Myself Already Knows I'm Not O.K.

"...tell your Aunt Louise, tell anything you please.

Myself already knows I'm not O.K."

--Bill Ray Cyrus, lyric from 'Achy Breaky Heart'

I have a habit of collecting quotes, wise statements, various song lyrics that move me, make me laugh, or that I've made up. One line that's caught my attention recently was this line from "Achy Breaky Heart." Say what you want about the song, the truth is it was a gigantic hit that's probably still covering the cost of cable and internet in the Cyrus household. And fountains, and flat screens, and gasoline and breakfasts and lunches and dinners and their NES electricity bill. I don't want to converse on whether the song was a hit (admit that you have it on a CasSingle and let's move on). This lyric is so simple and yet reaches pretty deep into the human experience. Think of the struggles we have as people, as a whole, and individually. As Reese Witherspoon once said, "we each have our own set of problems." Whether you're rich or poor or somewhere in between, you have problems. A rich person's problems are different than a middle class person's problems, but what they both have in common is this: problems. And part of the solution (and the CAUSE) is found in discovering who you are. How long do you think it took for Billy Ray Cyrus to learn he was "not O.K"? And then how much longer till he was able to come to grips with that discovery? When a person stops blaming external factors for their problems, but accepts that they themselves are "not O.K." and the problems are most likely born internally, well that's a step in a good direction.

A direction that may lead to freedom, a happy life, and a hit country song.

Identity

I was the 4th of 4 children. I am Fred & Terry Wilder's son. I am Shannon and Erin's youngest brother. I am Nathan's only brother. I am one of Will, Lauren, and Sarah Mickler's cousins. I am a nephew of Gil & Debbie Davis, and Bill & Julie Mickler. I am the grandson of Helen & Foster Davis, and Fred & Thelma Wilder.

When I moved to Nashville, I became Ben Wilder.

No longer someone's brother or cousin or son or nephew. People know me as Ben Wilder and what those people know of me is not based on anyone else but me. I can't even begin to explain how much freedom there has been since I stepped out of any shadow I was in. That's what Nashville and Tennessee mean to me. This city is forever a symbol to me of personal freedom, of taking on challenges, of making a life on my own. I am continuing to find my own identity here, a journey that started the day I packed my things and left Florida. If you ever wonder why I love Nashville so much, mostly it's because I feel like it's mine. Not my brother's, not my sister's, no one else's but mine! It's part of my adventure that I will treasure for the rest of my life.

Think about what you treasure deep in your heart, secrets only shared between you and God, gifts he's given you, blessings that only you know, the things that make your heart melt, events that affect your life. Well, something happened when I moved to Nashville, it's like a veil was slowly removed and I've been able to see me for the first time. I began to understand more about myself. To see me more how God sees me, as a unique creation that he loves. I slowly stopped comparing myself to my brother, and I think, for the first time, not be in his shadow. Funny thing about shadows is that to have a shadow, there has to be a light and now I am in it. That's why it's easier to see myself differently than ever before. My life is turning out different than my brother's, than either of my sister's, and unlike my cousins. And that is ok! In fact, it's awesome!

I have my own shadow now. If you want to see my shadow, it's in Nashville, Tennessee.